For months after being discharged, leaving the house didn’t seem even possible. The doctor had said my injury was as sever as a person jumping off a building, or a car crash where a railing severs their spine apart. He additionally added that if I fell down in my current state, I could be paralysed for the rest of my life. I might have shrunk after my injury, but hopefully been compensated with more inner strength.
I’ve been battling with a few mental obstacles since my injury. Growing up active running and climbing, heights never bothered me. Even the flat I’m perched up in, now kisses the clouds. The only difference before my injury and now, is that I’m scared of heights. Whenever I step up to a window or a ledge, I have to position myself where my body low, and my weight seated back. I get nervous and butterflies particularly, because I’m scared of falling again and ending up in the hospital. I don’t want to ever relive the feeling of being a vegetable in pain again.
Sports also saddens me. I can’t watch sports any more on the television, I just can’t pull myself to do it. The TV use to be on either the travel channels, or sports channels. I was addicted to both. The ability to move freely, create new experiences, and pushing myself to the limit, have always captivated me. Having lost the ability to do them now, I slowly crept back into a cave and hibernated. Out of sight, out of mind. This works when I’m distracted, but when I’m alone, I’d teared up at the thought of not being able to live a normal life or play sports like before. I didn’t want to know about it, see it, or have any part of it. However this is no way to live. Where we fall we must get back up, it is the ultimate test of strength.
Slowly, I’ve been introducing activities back into my life. I would support my friends in their endeavours. However, secretly sadness and pain comes each time. I make it a point not to let it get the best of me. My friends don’t know it, but they’ve been carrying me this whole time. I live vicariously through them. I will not let this fear defeat me. I will shout loudly from the sidelines and partake in spirit.
Courage and bravery comes at the time when we face fear and take action. This is the time when we need to dig deep and move forward. The situation at hand is still the same, but the only difference is that our emotions are toying with us, and we have to keep going.
Be the master of your mental game. There can be no voice louder in your head than your own. Control the voice inside and move forward outside. As l struggle to progress on mine, battle to win yours.
What is the voice you hear in your head?