I’ve finally hit a wall, and I don’t know if I should continue. I feel like I’ve been working so hard for almost two years, just to try become like a ‘normal’ person and it’s taking so long. This gradual time till now feels like everything’s been broken down into particles, and those particles into smaller pieces, each piece slowly floating in the still current of time. Time slowing down, feels great on a holiday or to just relax, but when I’m trying to heal, I want it to speed up so I can just get back to the basics. I’ve been trapped on Alcatraz and can’t wait for my life to begin. I feel a full stop has been put on my life and I’m caught on the sidelines.
Everyday I pay with sweat and pain, as I watch everyone else’s life around me grow, change and develop, but I’m still just trying to catch up to where I once was. Many might think I’m chilling, but I’ll trade this condition any day. My friends, family, and strangers’ lives stick out and become so prominent to me. From the bench their lives have become so much more different in two years than mine. I am not jealous, but I yearn for an enabling body that will allow me to experience life with no restrictions. Even the city has changed so much since I’ve been inside. Life flies fast around and it never stops, it just happens. Truth be told, it happens at one speed and is perceived by an audience member how it pleases. So at this current state, I would like to fast forward and not have this lesson with a side of pain. I am an observer and trying to build back from ground zero.
I can only imagine what it would be like, and the freedom it would grant to be able to do everything pain free. This ability to move around and feel liberated to do anything without strings attach, and the joy it would bring. The power of a willing body and an uncompromisable mind is the vehicle with a source for potential. However, there is no way to reach it without working for it.
And so today I worked hard yet again, so hard that I threw up. I didn’t think it was possible to throw up from non-dynamic exercises, meaning static exercises held in motion, but it finally happened. Sitting in place for most circumstances is a passive behaviour, unless the behaviour is the action of going to sit on a challenging surface. With direct contact to my spine, a Physio asked me to sit on the Power Plate, testing the limits of the mind and body. I was doing okay… until afterwards…
Everyday is a new day, and everyday holds a new challenge. Approaching most obstacles requires getting up and this would be a perfect time to do so. It was one of the greatest shaking exercises that I have ever experienced, and I felt as if the ground had left from below me. The Power Plate is a machine that vibrates and sends waves through the body, as to earthquakes are to the ground above. Normal people feel dizzy and rushes of blood circulating when they use it. On me, it is amplified consequences that arrive wave after wave with agonizing returns. My cannot fail attitude is once again tested, with every single day through the turmoil and beating I put myself through. Today it is sequenced from exercise, to pain and tiredness, to headaches of an entree departing my mouth. This is not the end of the day though, because I’m not backing down. I cleared my system and hit the sheets for a nap.
Waking up, I felt woozy and worked to keep myself level. To the kitchen I go. This time there is no gourmet meal for me to rainbow out my mouth, it is clean bread and eggs. Chewing down and swallow at a snails pace I made sure to digest and keep down the few bits of energy that will fuel me through this workout. The time ticks and the clock continues. I cannot wait to exercise and get better.
Calculating risks, I build myself back up. I would recommend anyone else physically feeling like me to take a rest, but I would say different to those with the know-how and unwavering path of determination to never give up.
The long hand ticks over and I prepare for my next swim session. I load up more ounces into my ankle weights, nothings going to stop me, not even the colour spectrum that I charitably gave to the pipes. I’m feeling good now and I am steady. Round two here I come.
It is said that the only way to overcome a wall is to go around it, or over it. With this type of mindset, it works only short term, and the wall will still exist. So I’m going to lead with a third possibility, I’m going to face it and go through it. To break down a wall we have to know the challenge, understand the obstacles, and analyse the possibilities. Now it’s time to act on it, it’s smashing time.
There is no promise that the road towards our goals will get easier. I say, for sure that my journey has been beating down on me, and with each new milestone accomplished and there is always more to do. With that said, it is a good thing, because the further we get, the more rewarding it also gets. We’ve got to pick ourselves up and keep ploughing through. This is a moment of true character measurement, of who we are and who we want to be. Head up, chin up, and buck up because the reward is definitely worth it.
What is your coping mechanism to carry on in the face of adversity?